**I wrote this back in March**
On Saturday, after our Bradley Class, we stayed a little while longer in Bako to have lunch and visit a sweet lady from our church that is in a rehab facility.
As I'm sitting there visiting my sweet Mrs. B, holding her hand (she has a soft death grip, and she won't let you go, it's really cute) and talking with her about her week, I realize that one day, that will be me. Mrs. B fell and broke her hip (this happened a few weeks after we celebrated her best friend P's life when she passed away), and is now having a hard time seeing and cannot watch TV to pass the time in the facility, nor read the bible, which crushes her. Therefore, she passes the time just waiting... waiting until someone might come visit her, and when someone does, she proceeds to light up! She is the most gracious and precious person ever, and I don't know how she is able to handle all of this by herself (her twin sister died a year or two after her second husband passed). Mrs. B's children live out of town, and therefore cannot be here all the time, and while I can tell that it crushes her, she handles it like the most sophisticated of ladies, and would never let you know that.
It makes my life flash before my eyes in a way. Especially now that I'm pregnant. I think about how this next chapter in my life is beginning, and all the sudden, I see the rest of my life running away from me and I'm unable to grab it and make it stop so I can enjoy it and actually take part in it. I begin to feel like I'm just a robot that goes through the motions, and how I waste so much time on meaningless frivolities rather than take the time to enjoy my life, and be an active participant. I almost feel helpless, that time will pass no matter what I do, and I begin to feel so discouraged and sad.
I remember when I was a child, I would sometimes go through this as well. I would have a simple thought, sometimes, an exciting thought, such as: One day, I will graduate from high school and go to college. This is a great thought, but it inevitably leads to the next: One day, I will meet someone and decide that I cannot live my life without him, and I will get married. Then, of course: One day, this man and I, we will be so in love, and show our love to each other and the rest of the world by creating a tiny beautiful human that we will pour ourselves into; and then another, and then another.
These are all beautiful thoughts, nothing sad about them... but of course, they don't end there...
One day, our loves will grow up, and find someone that they feel they cannot live their lives without, and then they will get married, and then the next and then the next.
One day, our once tiny loves will have their own tiny beautiful loves.
One day, my love and I will be old, and we will perish, leaving behind our legacy of loves.
And that is the thought that haunts me. That makes me feel time is moving so rapidly, that I must do something to slow it down. And somewhere in between these One Day's, our parents will pass, and how will we deal with that reality, and how will we teach our grandchildren about our beloved parents, and where they came from.
See how it becomes dangerous for me to use my mind and think? It makes me laugh to think that I do this to myself, rather than just dwell in the moment and enjoy where I'm at now. Which I do, I do enjoy where I'm at now, it is just hard sometimes for my brain to stop it's overactive thinking and it begins to trail off to these dark places.
Am I alone?
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No, you are not the only one. Sometimes it feels pretty scary to me, too. But I also figure that by then, maybe I'll be happy to go, and looking back at all the coolness that was my life will bring me joy and happiness, especially since I expect to have like 70 family members all around me and be all matriarchially cool and get away with lots of things because I am old. I also expect to keep driving until I cannot see and frighten people who are too polite to point out that I am way to old to operate heavy machinery! I will cheat at games and not stop talking when I am supposed to because no one will want to offend me and I will laugh inside because I will know exactly what I am doing. I will also eat chocolate and not worry about it because something's got to kill me, it might as well be something delicious, and not choking on a vegetable or something lame like that. And I will take advantage of all the Sr discounts I can and get everything half off, and guilt everyone into coming to my birthday parties because, "I don't know if I'll have another one." I also plan on having gobs of money by then and go on cruises until I am too old to enjoy them, then I will spend my days getting into everyone else's business and telling them what to do. I will also wear fabulous clothes and hats and not care whether they match or not, and be ignorantly suspicious of all technology made after I turned 50 in 2035. I will also share my opinions in a loud voice and pretend not to hear anyone's arguments against them. This all sounds like a super awesome way to spend my last few years, and I look forward to the freedom of age because I don't think I'll much care what anyone thinks. At least, that's how I like to look at it;).
ReplyDeleteCarolyn..... You are too much! I can't handle how great that was! I love it... it sure makes aging sound spectacular! What was I even worried about! I love it so much! I'm going to look back upon this post often, to make sure that I am living up to it's greatness when I'm older! ahahahahah!
ReplyDeleteThank you!