Thursday, June 16, 2011

Change Stinks!

     A few things have happened this week that have freaked me out a bit!

1) While at the store buying milk, I noticed that the Best By date was the 22nd of June... therefore, technically (if Abby were to come on her actual due-date, which is unlikely), I could be drinking from the same gallon of milk after she arrives, and it'd be good still!

2) I asked G when he was going to weigh in again, and he said that he can't weigh in for another 4 weeks , which means that we won't know how much he's lost so far until Abby has DEFINITELY arrived!

3) One of the other pastor's mentioned that he wouldn't see us again until next month, when we would be parents... he used the words Father and Mother... and I flipped!

     This of course has really got me thinking this week... am I seriously ready for all this? I mean, being pregnant has meant a few changes in our lives so far... but really, not that much. Things have pretty much stayed the same, besides worrying about my health and what I'm eating, etc etc. But now, anywhere from tomorrow to 3 weeks from now, my whole entire life is going to be changing, and it won't just be what food I'm eating that will change. It will be EVERYTHING!

  • Sleep.... my beloved sleep... it will be interrupted by a beautiful baby
  • My body will continue to change, some parts will grow and do weird things, while others will fight to hang on no matter what I do to rid myself of it.
  • My sanity... I will constantly worry about this little tiny human that grew within me. I will critique and question myself over every tiny little thing I do to/with/for her. 
  • My schedule... or rather: what schedule?! A schedule will cease to exist  as her needs are pretty much on demand for the first few months, until we can figure out a routine that works for her. This means that those first few months are pretty much going to be craziness as I attempt to make plans and have to cancel them b/c Abby's schedule will be so unpredictable at any given time. I have a feeling that simply trying to get to the store to get food will be a difficulty! What once was easy, will now become a huge ordeal to accomplish and demand a lot of planning and preparation to execute.
  • My marriage. G and I will have to figure out how to make time for each other and still maintain this relationship while also including this new addition to our family... we're not longer a family or two; it's three in this pod now! I have a feeling this will be the hardest, yet most important part that we'll have to adjust and pay attention to. 
     These are of course just a few things, but many of the other things are able to be filed somewhere beneath these few examples. Point is... my life is about to change. Does anyone truly get just how much their lives are about to change right before they have a baby? I can't imagine they could. Knowing change is imminent, and experiencing that change are two completely different things. I have a feeling that no matter how much people try to impress upon someone just how much things will change, that someone will still have no clue until they actually go through those changes. 

     I'm really excited about this new adventure in my life, but I'm also just so aware that this new adventure will require so many changes and adaptations that it's beginning to really freak me out as we draw closer to this time where we don't just talk about how things will change, but where they actually are changing. It's scary. I'm scared. I admit it. I'm scared not only b/c I've never really been around newborns, and I'm not really sure what to do with something so helpless and dependent upon me; but I'm also scared for selfish reasons. My schedule, and my sleep, and my time will no longer be mine. That will be the biggest adjustment.... accepting this. These feelings don't mean I don't love my baby, it just means that I am trying to cope with the loss of this other side of me. 

     But really, when I think about it... what am I losing? My selfishness, my laziness, my poor productivity level... I think I can stand to lose those things... they're not exactly my best attributes! 

     And I lose those to gain what? A beautiful baby that God has gifted G and I with; that God has allowed my body to miraculously create. A tiny human that God has entrusted to us to raise, train, discipline, encourage, teach, inspire, and love; to pour ourselves into. 

     It will take some getting used to this new schedule that's not all about me... but I think the trade off is going to be worth it, and pretty incredible! 

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